"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
