you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
