Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
