How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
