i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's rum buckets o'clock
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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