my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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