how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
