Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
