Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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