Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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