I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
