I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Randomize
