He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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