I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think my fart just growled at me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
