I wish I only lived at night.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
