When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
