he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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