Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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