tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
