I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
