You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
