She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
