You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
