WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
