Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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