im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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