I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
