I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
