guys are not supposed to queef...right?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we're making bets on your personal life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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