I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
