i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
