so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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