Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
