i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
