i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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