I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
