so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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