Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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