I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
this is an emotional support booty call
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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