I cannot find my penis.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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