that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
40s are totally the cure
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
