He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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