first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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