having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
