my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
