I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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