Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
