She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
