i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Randomize
