Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
