around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
