The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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