I think i peed on brittanys purse
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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