She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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