Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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