never play flip cup with pint glasses
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
