And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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