This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize